Take away all the adoption hurt and anger and resentment and I just find I don’t like the woman.  I didn’t know what to expect but I hoped for someone, well, just like me of course!  I expected a connection, the bond of blood I’ve yearned for all these years, and I feel nothing.

She doesn’t look like me, that was a huge blow.  I’d never seen a face that looked like mine (until my son was born and he babied-up to look like I did in my baby pics!) and of course I was desperate to.  How would I age?  What would me+18yrs look like?  I had no idea.  Did she have pics of her mother, would I look like her?  The pictures arrived after a long wait and I was absolutely gutted.  I could have walked past her on the street and not given her a second glance, we look that dissimilar.  She had already had pics of me at that point and I know she was amazed by how much I looked like my birthfather but she played that part down and told me we were alike.  I didn’t think so when it was my turn to get “that” picture in the mail.

I don’t like her personality.  I know she’s been damaged beyond belief by what happened to her but instead of doing something about it, she’s convinced that all things happen for a reason and has consequently done nothing about anything.  She could have looked for me, says she’s hoped I’d turn up since the day I turned 18 (when we get access to our birth certificates in my country)… but when I didn’t, she did nothing.  I had slight trouble in locating my files (born in one country, adopted in another, confusion about finding birthname because one country files adoption orders under birthname, and if you don’t know your birthname, you can’t find out to get your birthcertificate!)… if she’d looked for me, or at the very least registered on some database as “contact welcome” we could have had an extra 17yrs to grow together – it was 17yrs after I turned 18 that I finally found her.

I don’t like her unpredictability.  She swings from constant contact to nothing for months without explanation and then manipulates people around her into thinking I’m the baddie.

I don’t like her ignorance and unwillingness to inform herself – she has no idea what it’s like to be an adoptee, never mind in a bad adoption, it’s all still the 1970s fluffy bunnies and loving middle-class idyllic parents that she was told at the time she handed me over for her.  I want her to get a clue.  I don’t want to hurt her, but she needs to know why I feel the way I do today.

I don’t like her constant ravings about happy families and how wonderful her family is.  No they’re not.  A) I don’t believe it, why was I adopted then?  That seems to have had sent out major ripples through the family and B) if it’s true, does it help me to hear what I’ve missed out on?  No.

I just don’t like her, there are a million other reasons.  But it’s not okay to say that out loud, is it?

I forgot to say yesterday, something that my birth mother told me.  When she had gone to finalise the papers at my adoptive parents’ solicitor’s office, she saw some legal documents that referred to me as <newname> <birth surname>.  I guess you can call a child by whatever first name you like but you can’t change its surname until the adoption is finalised – probably for reasons like healthcare registration number, etc.

As I said yesterday, my first name is a very old adoptive family one going back generations and it’s extremely old.  It’s not Euphemia, but let’s just say it’s similar in style and connotation!  My then 19yr old birth mother was apparently devastated when she saw that my new parents had chosen such a horrible old-fashioned name for me and she did not like it in connection with her surname when she saw it in black and white.  She said she cringed.

When she told me this recently I was furious.  Who cares about a name?  Yes it’s horrible but you gave an elderly middle-class couple your baby, what did you expect?  You have no control, you have no say, a bloomin’ name should be the least of your concerns!

I’m also applying to have my birth re-registered with my birth father’s details added this time.  They were blank before.  I’ve spoken to the office in the country I’m from and it seems straightforward enough.  They are right behind accuracy and understood that even though I can’t and don’t use that original birth certificate, the facts should be correct.  There is a space for “What do you wish the child’s surname to be?  (Note: it may not be possible to change this)”  - I am umming about asking for it to be his last name.  Does it matter?  I just feel so angry with her, I certainly don’t want her surname.  I’d like a fresh start (hah, another one!) and maybe his surname would help…

I went to my adoptive parents at 6 days old.  I did not know they knew my full original name but they always told me my original first name was Mara.  Thankfully I didn’t ever know anyone else with that name, I couldn’t speak it until recently and can’t begin to think what the pain would have been like.

My adoptive parents named me after each of their mothers – what a weight to carry!  I am certain they did it with the best intentions, wanting to prove that we were part of the family, but as we were the only cousins with familial names, it just made us seem desperate.  My adoptive brother was named after my adoptive mother’s deceased father.  My adoptive aunt called to object to this at the time of my brother’s naming which made my father furious.  He told her that as she did not consult him about the naming of her (biological) sons, he would not be consulting her about the naming of his son.

I suspect in some sort of nod to the weirdness of naming your non-biological children after your lineage, neither of us is actually called by those names!  They used a pet name for me, which sticks with me into adulthood for everything except official documents; and my adoptive brother goes by a middle name.

I gave my son a non-family first name when he was born in 2003, but the maiden names of my two adoptive grandmothers for his middle names.  I wish very much I had known some of my birth family names at that point, I am very sorry that he does not have some of those for middle names instead/or as well.  It was made clear to me by my adoptive father at the time in 2003 that if my son was a girl, I would be expected to have my middle name/my a-mother’s name/my a-grandmother’s name/my a-gt-grandmother’s name (are you getting how many generations this common name goes back?!) feature prominently in my child’s name.  I nodded politely.

I am a  36yr old adoptee who has been in a rather rocky reunion for a year.  I did not have a particularly good adoption but more about all that in future posts.